Part of an Interview with Nikki Taylor AFTER Her Retirement

Should I call you Leah?

Nikki, please. I'm more comfortable with Nikki, especially among people who knew me as Nikki. I'm still me, Dr. Kirkland.

Yet I see changes, mentally and physically. Congratulations, by the way.

(This brought a smile to Nikki's face, something I feel I need to note because the Nikki I knew didn't smile that gloriously, with so much glow. She patted her stomach gently)

News travel fast. Rick and I are very happy about the baby.

So when you said you're still the same Nikki, in what ways are you so? I see a stronger, happier person. The old Nikki was a little lost to me when it came to what she wanted. I have a feeling you know what you want now.

And you've grown more perceptive, Dr. Kirkland. (smiles again) I am stronger and happier. I've found something precious to me--my past. Yes, I know that in our previous interviews I've told you that I didn't care to know about my past, that I'm perfectly fine without my memories. I suppose that's how I dealt with my amnesia. It's a persona problem. Back then, I struggled with not remembering and I didn't feel that I want to be this someone that the file said I was. I wanted to be me.

Yet that was you.

(nods) I know. I never said I'm good at explanations. It was me according to a file, not me according to the me who can't remember. Does that even makes sense?

Yes, it does. I do understand, Nikki. Being comfortable is very important to those suffering from amnesia. The familiar, for you back then, was COMCEN and Jed. Anything else was scary, especially in the beginning.

(nods again) Yes.

Do you regret it? Ten years is a long time to lose.

That's a difficult question. (pause) I do, in the sense that I hurt my Rick so much and for so long. Yet a tiny part of me don't because I feel I had a journey I was meant to take. I never told you this, Dr. Kirkland, but my grandmother loved to tell fortunes and she gave me certain predictions when I was a child...stuff that you'll laugh at probably, because it's all vague Chinese sayings, but they made sense to me as I dealt with my problems back then.

Interesting. Can you be willing to share these predictions with me?

Maybe another interview. They're still very private to me right now.

All right. And what did Jed say when you told him your happy news?

(touches stomach again) I don't think he knows yet. He's been busy, running around on his ten or dozen missions, and I hardly see him. Besides, Rick's still not comfortable about my past with him.

Does it cause a rift between you and your husband?

Not a huge rift, but it comes up. Marriage isn't easy, Dr. Kirkland. I've been alone for so long, and with someone like Rick, it's all or nothing. In some ways, I'm responsible for his changes because of my disappearance, so I feel guilty about that too.

Is Rick going to have a problem with you working with Jed in an assignment?

(smiles again) And that's the heart of this interview, isn't it? I'm not going to be the weak link in a project, Dr. Kirkland, you know that. Rick's okay with it. Not totally happy about it, but he and I are handling our comfort and discomfort together. (leans forward) I'll be fine as an analyst and handler for the SEAL. Jed says I'll be. Don't you trust his judgment?

(I'm not surprised, but it's of interest to note, that once a GEM op, always a GEM op., no matter how long she's retired. Her use of Jed's recommendation was a good example of her training. As for Jed, I'm still wondering why he picked Nikki Harden as part of this next team)

I think it'll be very interesting to see how the new Nikki handles her assignments.

(It occurred to me at this point that that might very well be Jed's reason for choosing Nikki too. He's a curious man, is Jed McNeil.)