Today, we'll virtually invade Cucumber's inner thoughts.
CUCUMBER: FUCK, NO. Get out of my head, asshole.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Heath Cliffe: Number Eight
I'm here. I wait for your questions. Don't disappoint me.
Below: my favorite picture of a certain swimmer.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Part of an Interview with Nikki Taylor AFTER Her Retirement
Should I call you Leah?
Nikki, please. I'm more comfortable with Nikki, especially among people who knew me as Nikki. I'm still me, Dr. Kirkland.
Yet I see changes, mentally and physically. Congratulations, by the way.
(This brought a smile to Nikki's face, something I feel I need to note because the Nikki I knew didn't smile that gloriously, with so much glow. She patted her stomach gently)
News travel fast. Rick and I are very happy about the baby.
So when you said you're still the same Nikki, in what ways are you so? I see a stronger, happier person. The old Nikki was a little lost to me when it came to what she wanted. I have a feeling you know what you want now.
And you've grown more perceptive, Dr. Kirkland. (smiles again) I am stronger and happier. I've found something precious to me--my past. Yes, I know that in our previous interviews I've told you that I didn't care to know about my past, that I'm perfectly fine without my memories. I suppose that's how I dealt with my amnesia. It's a persona problem. Back then, I struggled with not remembering and I didn't feel that I want to be this someone that the file said I was. I wanted to be me.
Yet that was you.
(nods) I know. I never said I'm good at explanations. It was me according to a file, not me according to the me who can't remember. Does that even makes sense?
Yes, it does. I do understand, Nikki. Being comfortable is very important to those suffering from amnesia. The familiar, for you back then, was COMCEN and Jed. Anything else was scary, especially in the beginning.
(nods again) Yes.
Do you regret it? Ten years is a long time to lose.
That's a difficult question. (pause) I do, in the sense that I hurt my Rick so much and for so long. Yet a tiny part of me don't because I feel I had a journey I was meant to take. I never told you this, Dr. Kirkland, but my grandmother loved to tell fortunes and she gave me certain predictions when I was a child...stuff that you'll laugh at probably, because it's all vague Chinese sayings, but they made sense to me as I dealt with my problems back then.
Interesting. Can you be willing to share these predictions with me?
Maybe another interview. They're still very private to me right now.
All right. And what did Jed say when you told him your happy news?
(touches stomach again) I don't think he knows yet. He's been busy, running around on his ten or dozen missions, and I hardly see him. Besides, Rick's still not comfortable about my past with him.
Does it cause a rift between you and your husband?
Not a huge rift, but it comes up. Marriage isn't easy, Dr. Kirkland. I've been alone for so long, and with someone like Rick, it's all or nothing. In some ways, I'm responsible for his changes because of my disappearance, so I feel guilty about that too.
Is Rick going to have a problem with you working with Jed in an assignment?
(smiles again) And that's the heart of this interview, isn't it? I'm not going to be the weak link in a project, Dr. Kirkland, you know that. Rick's okay with it. Not totally happy about it, but he and I are handling our comfort and discomfort together. (leans forward) I'll be fine as an analyst and handler for the SEAL. Jed says I'll be. Don't you trust his judgment?
(I'm not surprised, but it's of interest to note, that once a GEM op, always a GEM op., no matter how long she's retired. Her use of Jed's recommendation was a good example of her training. As for Jed, I'm still wondering why he picked Nikki Harden as part of this next team)
I think it'll be very interesting to see how the new Nikki handles her assignments.
(It occurred to me at this point that that might very well be Jed's reason for choosing Nikki too. He's a curious man, is Jed McNeil.)
Nikki, please. I'm more comfortable with Nikki, especially among people who knew me as Nikki. I'm still me, Dr. Kirkland.
Yet I see changes, mentally and physically. Congratulations, by the way.
(This brought a smile to Nikki's face, something I feel I need to note because the Nikki I knew didn't smile that gloriously, with so much glow. She patted her stomach gently)
News travel fast. Rick and I are very happy about the baby.
So when you said you're still the same Nikki, in what ways are you so? I see a stronger, happier person. The old Nikki was a little lost to me when it came to what she wanted. I have a feeling you know what you want now.
And you've grown more perceptive, Dr. Kirkland. (smiles again) I am stronger and happier. I've found something precious to me--my past. Yes, I know that in our previous interviews I've told you that I didn't care to know about my past, that I'm perfectly fine without my memories. I suppose that's how I dealt with my amnesia. It's a persona problem. Back then, I struggled with not remembering and I didn't feel that I want to be this someone that the file said I was. I wanted to be me.
Yet that was you.
(nods) I know. I never said I'm good at explanations. It was me according to a file, not me according to the me who can't remember. Does that even makes sense?
Yes, it does. I do understand, Nikki. Being comfortable is very important to those suffering from amnesia. The familiar, for you back then, was COMCEN and Jed. Anything else was scary, especially in the beginning.
(nods again) Yes.
Do you regret it? Ten years is a long time to lose.
That's a difficult question. (pause) I do, in the sense that I hurt my Rick so much and for so long. Yet a tiny part of me don't because I feel I had a journey I was meant to take. I never told you this, Dr. Kirkland, but my grandmother loved to tell fortunes and she gave me certain predictions when I was a child...stuff that you'll laugh at probably, because it's all vague Chinese sayings, but they made sense to me as I dealt with my problems back then.
Interesting. Can you be willing to share these predictions with me?
Maybe another interview. They're still very private to me right now.
All right. And what did Jed say when you told him your happy news?
(touches stomach again) I don't think he knows yet. He's been busy, running around on his ten or dozen missions, and I hardly see him. Besides, Rick's still not comfortable about my past with him.
Does it cause a rift between you and your husband?
Not a huge rift, but it comes up. Marriage isn't easy, Dr. Kirkland. I've been alone for so long, and with someone like Rick, it's all or nothing. In some ways, I'm responsible for his changes because of my disappearance, so I feel guilty about that too.
Is Rick going to have a problem with you working with Jed in an assignment?
(smiles again) And that's the heart of this interview, isn't it? I'm not going to be the weak link in a project, Dr. Kirkland, you know that. Rick's okay with it. Not totally happy about it, but he and I are handling our comfort and discomfort together. (leans forward) I'll be fine as an analyst and handler for the SEAL. Jed says I'll be. Don't you trust his judgment?
(I'm not surprised, but it's of interest to note, that once a GEM op, always a GEM op., no matter how long she's retired. Her use of Jed's recommendation was a good example of her training. As for Jed, I'm still wondering why he picked Nikki Harden as part of this next team)
I think it'll be very interesting to see how the new Nikki handles her assignments.
(It occurred to me at this point that that might very well be Jed's reason for choosing Nikki too. He's a curious man, is Jed McNeil.)
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Part of an Interview with Nikki Taylor BEFORE Her Retirement
Tell me a bit about yourself as an introduction. I'm especially interested in how you chose your name.
Nikki? I believe that's what I was calling myself when I was first rescued.
(I had to interrupt because I heard that particular recording). Actually, Nikki, we called you that because you kept saying "Nick," or what sounded like "Nik" and we thought it was probably your trying to tell us your name.
(rueful smile) Yes. I don't remember those days very well, I'm sorry. But it did sound right. Anyway, I'm Nikki now. As for Taylor, everything I am now is new, made from nothing. Jed said I could taylor myself after anyone or no one, and so Taylor seemed like a good choice for a surname.
As in "tailor-made."
Yes. I'm Nikki Taylor because I want to be Nikki Taylor.
Are you comfortable talking about your past now? Can you remember more? And Jed's role within it?
Dr Kirkland, there are still blank holes in my memory. I doubt I'll ever be comfortable talking about my past. As for Jed...Agent McNeil saved my life. He'll always be part of me because he's been with me since day one. Of my new life as Nikki Taylor, I mean.
Do you want to know more about your past?
(Silence)
Not really.
Are you afraid?
(almost a whisper)
I...of course. I don't really want to remember the torture, Dr. Kirkland. I remember enough already, and the nightmares, although receding, are still there.
What do you want for your future then, Nikki?
I would like some peace in my life, where I don't have to manipulate people or have them manipulate me. (smiles) I'm not talking about Jed, you know. He's the exception.
Because he saved you?
That. And because he needs to get certain things done, in any way he can. So really, I don't fear him manipulating me since I don't have anything he needs done. I was never part of any mission he undertook. What I want is balance, but I'm not sure how to get that. I'm working on it, though.
******************
This excerpt was from before Nikki Taylor regained her memory about Leah Harden and most importantly, Ricardo (Rick) Harden. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, they say. I'll have to listen to more past recordings for more insight.
Any insight from you will be put in my files too.
Nikki? I believe that's what I was calling myself when I was first rescued.
(I had to interrupt because I heard that particular recording). Actually, Nikki, we called you that because you kept saying "Nick," or what sounded like "Nik" and we thought it was probably your trying to tell us your name.
(rueful smile) Yes. I don't remember those days very well, I'm sorry. But it did sound right. Anyway, I'm Nikki now. As for Taylor, everything I am now is new, made from nothing. Jed said I could taylor myself after anyone or no one, and so Taylor seemed like a good choice for a surname.
As in "tailor-made."
Yes. I'm Nikki Taylor because I want to be Nikki Taylor.
Are you comfortable talking about your past now? Can you remember more? And Jed's role within it?
Dr Kirkland, there are still blank holes in my memory. I doubt I'll ever be comfortable talking about my past. As for Jed...Agent McNeil saved my life. He'll always be part of me because he's been with me since day one. Of my new life as Nikki Taylor, I mean.
Do you want to know more about your past?
(Silence)
Not really.
Are you afraid?
(almost a whisper)
I...of course. I don't really want to remember the torture, Dr. Kirkland. I remember enough already, and the nightmares, although receding, are still there.
What do you want for your future then, Nikki?
I would like some peace in my life, where I don't have to manipulate people or have them manipulate me. (smiles) I'm not talking about Jed, you know. He's the exception.
Because he saved you?
That. And because he needs to get certain things done, in any way he can. So really, I don't fear him manipulating me since I don't have anything he needs done. I was never part of any mission he undertook. What I want is balance, but I'm not sure how to get that. I'm working on it, though.
******************
This excerpt was from before Nikki Taylor regained her memory about Leah Harden and most importantly, Ricardo (Rick) Harden. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, they say. I'll have to listen to more past recordings for more insight.
Any insight from you will be put in my files too.
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