INTERMUNDIA: INNER GLOW

Song Used While Writing Virtually Series

2010-08-28T07:00:00.001-07:00

We Tried

2008-07-05T11:14:00.001-07:00

Today, we'll virtually invade Cucumber's inner thoughts.

CUCUMBER: FUCK, NO. Get out of my head, asshole.

Heath Cliffe: Number Eight

2008-06-07T06:08:00.000-07:00

I'm here. I wait for your questions. Don't disappoint me.

Below: my favorite picture of a certain swimmer.

Part of an Interview with Nikki Taylor AFTER Her Retirement

2008-03-02T05:53:00.000-08:00

Should I call you Leah?

Nikki, please. I'm more comfortable with Nikki, especially among people who knew me as Nikki. I'm still me, Dr. Kirkland.

Yet I see changes, mentally and physically. Congratulations, by the way.

(This brought a smile to Nikki's face, something I feel I need to note because the Nikki I knew didn't smile that gloriously, with so much glow. She patted her stomach gently)

News travel fast. Rick and I are very happy about the baby.

So when you said you're still the same Nikki, in what ways are you so? I see a stronger, happier person. The old Nikki was a little lost to me when it came to what she wanted. I have a feeling you know what you want now.

And you've grown more perceptive, Dr. Kirkland. (smiles again) I am stronger and happier. I've found something precious to me--my past. Yes, I know that in our previous interviews I've told you that I didn't care to know about my past, that I'm perfectly fine without my memories. I suppose that's how I dealt with my amnesia. It's a persona problem. Back then, I struggled with not remembering and I didn't feel that I want to be this someone that the file said I was. I wanted to be me.

Yet that was you.

(nods) I know. I never said I'm good at explanations. It was me according to a file, not me according to the me who can't remember. Does that even makes sense?

Yes, it does. I do understand, Nikki. Being comfortable is very important to those suffering from amnesia. The familiar, for you back then, was COMCEN and Jed. Anything else was scary, especially in the beginning.

(nods again) Yes.

Do you regret it? Ten years is a long time to lose.

That's a difficult question. (pause) I do, in the sense that I hurt my Rick so much and for so long. Yet a tiny part of me don't because I feel I had a journey I was meant to take. I never told you this, Dr. Kirkland, but my grandmother loved to tell fortunes and she gave me certain predictions when I was a child...stuff that you'll laugh at probably, because it's all vague Chinese sayings, but they made sense to me as I dealt with my problems back then.

Interesting. Can you be willing to share these predictions with me?

Maybe another interview. They're still very private to me right now.

All right. And what did Jed say when you told him your happy news?

(touches stomach again) I don't think he knows yet. He's been busy, running around on his ten or dozen missions, and I hardly see him. Besides, Rick's still not comfortable about my past with him.

Does it cause a rift between you and your husband?

Not a huge rift, but it comes up. Marriage isn't easy, Dr. Kirkland. I've been alone for so long, and with someone like Rick, it's all or nothing. In some ways, I'm responsible for his changes because of my disappearance, so I feel guilty about that too.

Is Rick going to have a problem with you working with Jed in an assignment?

(smiles again) And that's the heart of this interview, isn't it? I'm not going to be the weak link in a project, Dr. Kirkland, you know that. Rick's okay with it. Not totally happy about it, but he and I are handling our comfort and discomfort together. (leans forward) I'll be fine as an analyst and handler for the SEAL. Jed says I'll be. Don't you trust his judgment?

(I'm not surprised, but it's of interest to note, that once a GEM op, always a GEM op., no matter how long she's retired. Her use of Jed's recommendation was a good example of her training. As for Jed, I'm still wondering why he picked Nikki Harden as part of this next team)

I think it'll be very interesting to see how the new Nikki handles her assignments.

(It occurred to me at this point that that might very well be Jed's reason for choosing Nikki too. He's a curious man, is Jed McNeil.)

Part of an Interview with Nikki Taylor BEFORE Her Retirement

2008-01-10T05:20:00.001-08:00

Tell me a bit about yourself as an introduction. I'm especially interested in how you chose your name.

Nikki? I believe that's what I was calling myself when I was first rescued.

(I had to interrupt because I heard that particular recording). Actually, Nikki, we called you that because you kept saying "Nick," or what sounded like "Nik" and we thought it was probably your trying to tell us your name.

(rueful smile) Yes. I don't remember those days very well, I'm sorry. But it did sound right. Anyway, I'm Nikki now. As for Taylor, everything I am now is new, made from nothing. Jed said I could taylor myself after anyone or no one, and so Taylor seemed like a good choice for a surname.

As in "tailor-made."

Yes. I'm Nikki Taylor because I want to be Nikki Taylor.

Are you comfortable talking about your past now? Can you remember more? And Jed's role within it?

Dr Kirkland, there are still blank holes in my memory. I doubt I'll ever be comfortable talking about my past. As for Jed...Agent McNeil saved my life. He'll always be part of me because he's been with me since day one. Of my new life as Nikki Taylor, I mean.

Do you want to know more about your past?

(Silence)
Not really.

Are you afraid?

(almost a whisper)
I...of course. I don't really want to remember the torture, Dr. Kirkland. I remember enough already, and the nightmares, although receding, are still there.

What do you want for your future then, Nikki?

I would like some peace in my life, where I don't have to manipulate people or have them manipulate me. (smiles) I'm not talking about Jed, you know. He's the exception.

Because he saved you?

That. And because he needs to get certain things done, in any way he can. So really, I don't fear him manipulating me since I don't have anything he needs done. I was never part of any mission he undertook. What I want is balance, but I'm not sure how to get that. I'm working on it, though.

******************

This excerpt was from before Nikki Taylor regained her memory about Leah Harden and most importantly, Ricardo (Rick) Harden. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, they say. I'll have to listen to more past recordings for more insight.

Any insight from you will be put in my files too.

Helen and Remote Viewing

2007-12-25T05:58:00.000-08:00

This aspect of the experiment fascinates and frustrates me. As a scientist, I can only record what the affects of what I see. I can attest that the VR machine works because I've tried it myself. But RV--remote viewing--is entirely based on on believing that it works. I have seen the results from the CIA experiments, some of which are eyebrow-raising in their accuracy, but still, the reliance on one source for information without verification makes an experiment liable to mistakes and false misteps.

However, the Brain Entrainment Machine brings in the possibility of an observer, a monitor who could "share" the remote viewing experience. Jed McNeil and Helen Roston have shown that this is not just a possibility. In layman's terms, she "sees;" he confirms. The experiment now has another source for verification.

************************

Here is another segment of my recent interview with Helen Roston:

Do you feel Jed McNeil's presence when you're remote viewing?

"Sometimes. He echos my thoughts sometimes."

Echo? Can you elaborate?

"Okay, it's hard to explain. He doesn't echo my thoughts, but when I see something and am registering it, he says it before, or at the same time, I do. It's a bit weird. He tells me that he sees through my eyes. Bleagh, that kind of sounds like some Linda Blair thing, doesn't it?"

Entity possession is a good way to describe it.

(laughs)
"Entity possession? Is that what happens to Armando when he talks funny?" (laughs some more) "Sorry, doc, but your turn of phrase always cracks me up. So does Armando's, actually, but the scary thing is, I understand his more than I do yours. Ahh...where were we...entity possession."

(pause)
"I take it back. It's nothing like a Linda Blair thing because I'm in control of the situation. In an entity possession sitch, the entity would be moving me while my body flops helplessly. You know, like that scene when Linda Blair's head gets turned all around."

(frowns) "You think, doc, if I should worry if I open my mouth and Jed's voice comes out instead?"

************************

I haven't known Helen Roston for long but I recognize her ability to bring humor into a discussion. It is a knack that others find very intriguing, especially her monitor.

Helen and Virtual Reality

2007-12-09T06:04:00.001-08:00

I realize that the questions I asked previously could be difficult for a layperson to answer. But sometimes, I think the simplest understanding of a difficult matter can be helpful to a scientist and other observers.

What is immersive virtual reality to you?

In terms of labeling new ways to learn, "immersion" is relatively new to many people. It's a term linguists use to learn a language quickly, to immerse into words and terms, using tapes, visuals, and simulated environments.

To be "immersed" in virtual reality, therefore, is to be placed in a simulated environment that would provoke the brain, and therefore, sense of self, which include all the natural senses, in an artificial projection. In simple terms, it is a manipulation of reality.

This is not a new thing in our society. Online gamer, modern day virtual reality tours of houses, virtual libraries--these are reflections of what we could do through VR. Immersive virtual reality is, of course, many steps further.

I hope this gives you some understanding of what Hell and Jed experiences.

*******************

I asked this of Helen Roston not too long ago:

How do you differentiate what you feel in virtual reality with what you feel in real life, Hell?

"I don't. The part of me that understands that I'm in VR is very conscious that it is VR, but everything feels like real life. The sense of space is the same. The sense of time, though, appears to be somewhat different, but I don't know because the few times in VR, I haven't been really checking time. I was...distracted."

Learning about VR and what it can do can certainly make one lose time while one is immersed in it.

"Umm...that too. But, you know what I mean. I've never been in there alone."

Ah, Agent McNeil has always been there too. I believe it's to get used to being together while undergoing the brain wave entrainment.

(Pause)
"Right."

Do you feel comfortable with Agent McNeil's training?

"No."

Why?

"He tests me."

But that's to be expected, right? I'm told the training sessions can be quite vigorous so that I can monitor your heart rate and blood pressure changes.

"Is that what he told you?"

Maybe you can tell me exactly what you don't feel comfortable about. I know Jed likes to take risks, even during training sessions. I'll remind him that some activities can be put off till later, when you're more used to him.

Silence.

"Hey, doc? It's a lot more complicated than you think."

**************************
Helen Roston gives me more information than Jed McNeil, but even she cannot be prodded about certain things. As a scientist, I can only speculate how far the monitor is pushing his operative.

Question to Reader

2007-11-28T06:43:00.000-08:00

The scientist in me wants/needs to gauge my readers' depth of knowledge. Pardon my curiosity, but please can you answer this questionaire:

What is immersive virtual reality to you?

What is remote viewing to you?

Do you think they exist?

Yes, I'll be making profiles of all of you. Joke. Scientists joke too, you know.

From When He First Returned

2007-11-23T20:21:00.000-08:00

"Agent Diamond, can you tell me a bit about..."

I have nothing to tell you about the past two years, Dr. Kirkland.

"Aren't you curious about the changes here then?"

Of course. And you want to know about mine for your files. Not gonna happen.

"I can see the changes, Agent Diamond. What I want to know is...how are you, Alex? It's been two years."

Not quite. Twenty months, two weeks....

(abrupt silence)

"Since Emma's--"

We're not talking about the last two years. Change the subject, Kirkland.

"T. said..."

T. (He stood up abruptly, the legs of his chair scraping the tile floor.) I want to talk to Tasha, or whatever her name is. She had no right to do what she did.

"She was following orders, Alex. You know that."

No, I don't know that. But I know one thing. The witch's going to regret picking up this contract.

"GEM is now merged with COS Command, Alex. You can't--"

Part of GEM is, not all of it, from my research, Kirkland. And of course I can. And I will. She got me back. I'm now returning to work with the new and improved VIRUS team, and she thinks she can just resume her duties when I'm back? No. She's going to discover what it feels like to have me coming down on her hard everyday.

(I watched Alex Diamond stalked off. An angry, angry man. I wasn't worried about T. She did what she said she'd do--bring Number One back. I'd like to interview her, though. I wonder what she'd think about Agent Diamond's threats. Interesting turn of phrase, that last line.)

What did you like about Nikki, Jed?

2007-11-16T19:28:00.000-08:00

(long pause)

(I opened my mouth to rephrase the question.)

Why do you ask now, Doc.?

(Jed is always evasive. I've gotten better prepared with this habit of his to manipulate a conversation.)

"To see what makes you attractive to women, especially someone like Nikki Harden. She's not really your usual."

And what is my usual?

(This is prime example of his manipulation of a conversation. Must use something directly harsh here.)

"She was damaged mentally and physically when she came to us. There was nothing seductive or dangerous to whet your interest, was there? So what was the initial thing about her that attracted you?"

(pause)

(There was a quiet distance in his demeanor.)

I mostly kill, Doc. Or seduce, which sometimes can be a bit like an assasination. To save someone, bring her back from the brink of total darkness, give her what she needs, that's something maybe someone like me might appreciate a little more than a scientist and a doctor. On the other hand, perhaps I found her the ultimate seduction challenge. Or perhaps, even I can't resist the temptation of being put on a pedestal and be viewed a savior.

"Self-mockery, Jed?"

(a ghost of a smile)

You're getting to know me too well.

"Surely, spending two years with Nikki meant more to you than just her needing you to save her."

Who said it wasn't the other way round?

(My turn to pause. Jed does like to give me twists and turns to think about.)

Hell called you Big Naked Swimming Guy, Shahrukh.

2007-11-11T16:37:00.000-08:00

Big Naked Swimming Guy.

[smiles]

I wondered what she thought about me. Actually, I'd thought she would rise to the challenge and jump into the pool naked one day, just to see what I'd do. But she never did. Most women would, you know.

She's a good swimmer. She kept pace with me, even after some strenuous workouts. I like the way she bides her time when it comes to questions. It tells me a lot. That kind of mental strategy takes a lot of inner strength.

And, she does have a mean right hook. I still laugh when I think about that incident. Made my day.

--Shahrukh, BNSG

Is Hell mad at you, Flyboy?

2007-11-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

She probably is. I don't know.

She's figured us out for sure. The other day she accused me of playing "nice guy" among the bad boys. That. Is an insult. I can be just as bad, I told her. Badder, even.

(pause)

I don't want her to be mad at me. Really, I like her and we chum around like old pals. Besides, she makes me laugh. Very few women can flirt with me and make me laugh, if you know what I mean, Dr. K. Hell's flat out funny and sexy as...yeah, I know...she's tempting. I figure once she knows what Jed is like, she'll kick that habit and come looking for me.

I'm patient. I can wait.

-- Michael Hunter (Flyboy)

So why did you pick La Vita Nuova, Jed?

2007-11-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

(pause)

Some things just have no words, doc. Sometimes you think what you see is an echo, when in reality, it's the past events that were the echos and reflections, and the real thing finally appears.

"Io mi senti’ svegliar dentro a lo core
Un spirito amoroso che dormia:
E poi vidi venir da lungi Amore
Allegro sì, che appena il conoscia....

Dicendo: “Or pensa pur di farmi onore”;
E ’n ciascuna parola sua ridia.
E poco stando meco il mio segnore,
Guardando in quella parte onde venia,

Io vidi monna Vanna e monna Bice
Venire inver lo loco là ‘v’io era,
L’una appresso de l’altra maraviglia;

E sì come la mente mi ridice,
Amor mi disse: “Quell’è Primavera,
E quell’ha nome Amor, sì mi somiglia."

That's in Chapter 24, in case you're interested.

(small smile).

Dr. Kirkland: So who is your Vanna and who is your Beatrice?

(silence. Smile widens)

Question: What is it about Hell, Jed?

2007-10-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

Intermundia, the space between the worlds. I like it, doc. You've been playing with my dictionary, haven't you?

Since we're dealing with frustrated women here, I'll play along. For now.

And yes, let me get straight to the point. I like her. Very much. The thing about Elena--she's fearless about her nakedness. It's as if she has nothing to hide. We both know that's a universal improbability when it comes to operatives like us; we all have something to hide.

I like her naked. Very much. But I want more than what I see. How far would she let me strip her, layer by layer, until I....

Do you think a woman can hide that deep from a man? The way Elena moves her hips. The way she rubs the side of her nose when she's thinking. The things she do when she is herself. Intriguing, isn't it? Take an operative out of the field for two years, and certain habits reappear. So what is inside her that makes me feel so good when I'm inside her?

Blushing, doc? I didn't mean it that way, although physical intimacy with her takes the edge off like no one else can.

(pause)

And what if I do find that essence that is Elena Rostova...what then? That's a question for which I need an answer. I think I've talked enough for now to fill up that little space between your world and mine.

Incipit Vita Nuova, doc, as Dante would say, in his long-winded style. One of my favorite books, actually. (smiles knowingly)

--JED